Wasteland
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done lately?
18 years. No, wait. 19 fucking years of life on this planet and I still don’t feel like I’ve ever done something to be proud about.
I’m talking about love.
All this while, I’ve deluded myself thinking that I’m some desired commodity. An eligible bachelor to most… A fucking twat.
I’ve lied to myself saying that I’m not “looking for anything at the moment”. It’s a moment that’s gained far too much momentum. A moment that’s lasted an eternity of my tenure. A moment that needs to be smothered. Now.
But why is it harder than it seems? I’ve got cool hair. A definition derived from the re-emerging afro trend that died way too long ago. I’m well traveled and well spoken. Good grammar is hot, or that’s what they told me anyway. I’m a graphic design student. A right brained, imaginative fuck who won’t bore you with his textbook rules of life. My rules of life are made up on the spot during basketball games and stupid arguments. I’m a poet. A patient imbecile who rhymes circumstances to make sense of the negative spaces I create. I’m a musician. A fellow who supplies basic undertones and falsetto nightmares for two bands; one that has even reached a global audience. I’m an unauthorized charm. At least I’d like to think so. Husband of the year in some cases. The idiot of the 21st century.
Some major reality-checking happened last night. Oh, it was eventful. I came to the conclusion that I’m not a man but rather an uninspired, lazy, immature and eternally boring character. A bored character. 19 years without experiencing love. No, wait. I’ve experienced that before. Oh, that was eventful.
No, I’ve never experienced it like they show us on the big screen. The big screen that lies to you all the time but seriously calls for change within you. What’s wrong? I’m not spontaneous. And I’ve never had the balls in me to take that plunge into the unknown. That’s what’s wrong. Adventurous my left bum. I’m losing a grip on sanity here. But I’m enjoying it thoroughly. It’s taking me to that ugly little village called reality. Some people here call it Loni-Kalbhor.
Pathetic that it takes you a movie to thwack you all over and slap some sense into you. Well, it might not be ‘sense’ right now and it maybe far from sensible but it’s something that will pump the life back into me. Back as in from the holiday it’s taking right now. The holiday it took about 18+ years ago. Stupid life. I’m not paying for your vacation.
Pathetic that you’ve been faking it all your years and it required something even more fake than that to clear the haze that hindered your vision.
So what’s up? I’m emerging (trying to) into a new person, a so-called man. And this was fueled by a suggestion from one of my friends (as distressed in said situation as I) that we visit a brothel and claim our deserved rights to manlihood. A brothel? What kind of step into becoming a man is that? It’s taking you further away from the place you’re trying to reach. And not just metaphorically. Seriously, this brothel is somewhere on the outskirts of town.
No but jokes apart, I find it ridiculously funny that I’ve never had a girlfriend over the last how many ever years (I’m getting depressed just typing out 19 over and over). Pathetic and funny at the same time. Just like one of those bad jokes you have to laugh at. One of those jokes that I would usually crack. Hey, I’m a joker as well. Check.
Thank you friend, however. Your brothel idea may not have been the smartest plan you’ve generated of late but it reminded me about how I need to start doing crazy things more often. Like walk on the railroads on the way back from college. Cheating death sounds like an adrenaline rush. Like bunking second lectures and going out to get wasted on Tuesday evenings. Alone just by company but surrounded with befriending thoughts. Like confessing it all to that one person. Telling her how madly in love you are and what not. (No man, I’m still not telling you who it is). She’s a reason and an outlet to your new state. You need her for this. Tell her that.
One of these days…
Mostly… Besides all those above-mentioned points about how assholic I am… I’m the worst procrastinator you’ve met. Reform beckons with howling decibel, and for once it’s about time I take heed towards it.
15 comments:
I sympathize, my friend.
Your story has striking parallels to the Pip-Estella saga though :P
Let go, foo. It'll do you good.
(Unless, twenty years from now, you run into her randomly, and she tells you how she threw your love away in her ignorance; and then you finally see no shadow of another parting from her. There, a big screen experience.)
Haha. If only life was like that eh?
Pip-Estella it seems. That'd be the story of my life, man. Except Miss Havisham would'nt be a hag of an old lady but some other metaphoric meaning. Can't think of one as yet.
I see it all now! Miss Havisham is the metaphorical representation of you EMOness. And you can't move on (with or without 'Estella') unless Havisham dies. Kill her already.
It all comes back to those three letters.
E.
M.
O.
Maybe, instead of professing your love here, you should just ask her out? Easy, innit?
ok first thing who is it? ( i have a suspicion but i've been too wrong about these things b4, and this one is waaay too obviuos to be right)
second thing, i'm in the same fucking boat :( and at least u have the potential to go and actually do something spontaneous and invigorating. i sadly dont have even that. i dont know if you're one of those types who can find some small consolation in someone worse off than u, but if u are, then i'm always lower down that ladder than you my friend.
Don't even ask him who it is. The shanda. We're supposed to be his friends, and he won't say anything to us. Hmph. But do tell us about your suspicion, Nodds. Joj is this the same person you were talking about on Tej's terrace in the summer?
(Does this paragraph qualify as gossip?)
Seriously, I don't see what you guys are worrying about. I mean, is it even 'love' if you're so desperate for it? If something happens, it does. End of, really. Que sera, sera and all that.
Haha. Gossip girls to say the least.
You can have your suspicions and all that, but it doesnt matter really. It's not the other person, it's me..
And thank you for shedding that ray of optmism on my case, Ned. :)
happy to oblige joj. and baboon i'm not gonna bother voicing my guess coz there's a 99.9% chance of it being wrong. however, i am curious as to who joj mentioned :D
a little less conversation, a little more action :)
a little less conversation, a little more action :)
you didn't answer my gossip question, joj.
it was just a yes/no question. simble.
I don't even recall saying anyones name when on that terrace.
You said it the night we saw Junkyard Groove play at legends, and then got free vodka. That must have loosened your tongue. No wonder you can't remember.
Haha, then that must be who it is. Baka. Geee.
Mr Pip.
'Good grammar is hot, or that’s what they told me anyway.'
Interventing. Haha
do u even kno the number of people who wanna tell ya how much they love you!?
i guess its too late to post a comment...but i really loved this post of urs......
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