Why I Have Never Had, Don't Have, and Will Never Have a Girl

Legend (literally) :

1. Not-so Fashionable Mallu Toupee
2. Perpetually Confusèd
3. Geek Glasses
4. Absence of Facial Hair
5. Highly Absorbent, Very Comfortable Head Rest. Commonly known as 'A Shoulder to Cry on'
6. Scrawny Arms
7. Disappearing / Reappearing Ponch. Alias: Houdini
8. Feminine Nails
9. Daddy Long Legs
10. Big Feet (Sexual Innuendo at Reader's Risk)

If the picture that I drew over here isn't reason enough to believe that the subject specimen: I, George Joseph (Joj) never had, hasn't got and will never get a girl, then I hope to God that the rest of this nonsensical rambling (which may probably take a while to read) proves my point.

We examine further...

I am a Malayali.
It's as if our tribe hasn't faced enough humiliation because of the way they speak, we Mallus were bestowed with the best hair in India (sarcasm at its heights.) Who ever created us (I suspect Mohan Lal, but that’s very doubtful) was probably stoned when the creation took place. A Mallu’s hairdo could be related to one of the following analogies:
- A raging sea. One like that in ‘The Perfect Storm’ where uncontrollable waves engulfed anything that dared to cross it.
- A rainforest’s canopy. Where from far away, it may look like a peaceful sanctuary, but on the inside, is filled with unidentified freaky objects (UFOs) and is bursting with life.
- An oil slick. It’s actually a famous joke. What do you get when you put three Mallus together? Bah! Why do you need three? One would do the job.

But there are many fortunate ones. Those who managed to avoid inheriting Frizzly-6 (a gene that curls and frizzes your hair,) are the luckiest set from the tribe.

Back to meh. My hair on some days is a raging sea. On others, it could pass of as a rainforest canopy. Oil isn’t my cup of tea though. I doubt it’s anyone’s cup of tea but yeah…
People have often laughed at me because I tell them (or tell myself) that, “The girls love the curls”. This self-delusion could some day prove to be very harmful to me. Many girls DO love curly hair, however. Thanks to stars like John Mayer, the guy from Entourage, Seth Cohen [who’s often paralleled with me (no further questions)] and unfortunately, Michael Jackson back in the day, curly hair has been deemed ‘sexeh’ and ‘cute’. Am I sexeh or/and cute? Well, I’ll try conducting a poll one of these days…

I once asked one of my friends what she would want in a guy. Like both physical and personal traits. Forget the personal ones, for the physical aspect, she wanted someone with:
Stubble (coz apparently that’s hot),
A good build… not a macho man, but strong enough and
The person concerned should be some sort of sports superstar. Tall, sweaty and abs of steel is what I derived from that.
Hmmm, so let’s see here; I’ve been trying to grow stubble for a long time, but there seems to be some facial-hair growth problem. In fact, till this day I’ve been made fun of due to the fact that I shaved the two hairs off my moustache that was never there in the 9th grade. So cross that off.
A good build? Well, if I become an architect I can make you a good building, but when talking about my body, I’m far from a good build. I pretend to have broad shoulders once in a while and flattening out my stomach is a common sight. But if I want to make this illusion reality, I think I better start working out or gymming or jogging or dieting or just forgetting ‘bout all this bull and making myself happy by eating to my heart’s content.
And about sports… Does playing every sport despite the fact that you might just suck at it count? Well I managed to convince myself that I play football decently, but ask any friend of mine, and they’ll laugh. It seems that doing the rainbow over their heads and heading the ball 120 times without letting it hit the floor doesn’t impress them. Bleh! Forget about abs of steel… I’ve got flabs of veal.

I possess them ‘Soda-buddis’
To those who haven’t heard of the term before, it means glasses. Usually of the granny sort. The grannies that think they’re at the heights of fashion.
My attractiveness quotient dropped to an all-time low in the 3rd grade and has remained there since. Yes, this was when I was endowed with a rather large pair of silver coated glasses. I’m currently on my eighth or ninth one and I’ve endured many an ugly pair. *shivers as an image flows through his mind*

So these physical traits would probably only attract a few members of the female class. But wait, there’s more…

I must admit, that I’m a bit too soft. Soft as in gentle soft, and emotional soft. And no, from my experiences around others I can tell you that not many people like guys who are sensitive. And I’m more than just emotionally sensitive; my skin is really sensitive to the sun! @#$*^&!
Another flaw of mine could probably be the way I tend to get to know someone too well for anything else to happen, you know? Maybe that could possibly be a reason why nothing has ever happened… Because I know that when you really get to know someone well, a relationship over that would just seem weird. I watch a lot of TV serials… Many of them reflect my life… Anyone watch Ed?
And though many people have told me that what I say is all just rubbish, I really must tell you that no matter how nice or whatever I am, I’m just not the type of person who is ‘boyfriend material’ shall we say? Some have said I’ll make a good dad some day.
I really don’t know whether to take that as a compliment or whether I should break down and cry.

So as you may have noticed, the blog title is perfectly apt for the stories I tell… My life is just filled with travails. Problems. Worries. And in this case: The Hard Truth.
Now why did I tell you all of this? I’m bored. I’ve got nothing to do. And I could possibly (very little chance) be trying to obtain some sympathy! =P

Cheers~